


Of new ties and old

by octopus_fool



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Khazâd November, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 19:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12659913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: Bofur wants to go the traditional way and let Fíli take the first step, but eventually, he does start wondering why Fíli won't take that final step.





	Of new ties and old

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 6 of [Khazâd November](https://a-grump-of-dwarves.tumblr.com/post/166304116735/khaz%C3%A2d-november-2017), the additional prompt was "forget".  
> 

Bofur finally spotted Fíli at a small table at the back of the tavern and grinned at him. 

Fíli grinned back, a grin warm enough to relight the sun should it ever need rekindling. Bofur felt his grin grow even wider as he looked at him. This couldn’t be healthy, he thought, surely his head would split open from grinning at Fíli one day. 

Bofur slid onto the bench next to Fíli and took the jug of ale Fíli handed him.

“Thanks,” Bofur said, still grinning like a lunatic.

“You made it,” Fíli replied. “Long day in the mines?”

“You could say so,” Bofur said, flopping his head onto Fíli dramatically. 

Bofur could hear Fíli’s breath hitch slightly and his own heartbeat was loud in his ears.

“Yari again?” 

Bofur nodded, taking his head from Fíli’s shoulder again. After all, he didn’t want to push too hard, especially since Fíli was generally slow to initiate physical contact. “Yes, as usual. He keeps being an insufferable know-it-all and making snide allusions to being better than the rest of us.”

Fíli huffed. “As if that arrogant elfwit could ever even reach up to you! You’re kind, witty, always willing to help others, more than prepared to put your family over your own needs, not to mention humble and generous…”

He trailed off and Bofur felt himself blushing, which he usually didn’t make a habit of. Bofur looked down at his mug.

Fíli cleared his throat and when Bofur looked up again, he could see that there was quite a pink tinge on Fíli’s ears and face too.

“… and he is just an arrogant piece of brick,” Fíli finally finished his sentence.

“But Durin the Deathless himself once sneezed on one of his ancestors,” Bofur pointed out, trying to diffuse the awkwardness.

Fíli broke into laughter. “I should probably ask Balin if it counts as blasphemy to imply Durin ever did something as undignified as sneezing.”

“Oh dear, I’d have to be arrested a hundred times myself then,” Bofur said, making an exaggeratedly worried face before bursting into laughter as well. 

“Well, then I maybe shouldn’t ask Balin after all,” Fíli replied. “I meant what I said about you earlier, you know,” he murmured, shifting slightly closer to Bofur, their legs warm against each other now.

“Thank you,” Bofur replied. 

He held his breath. Perhaps this would be the moment for which he had been waiting for so long.

Instead, Fíli waved at the dwarf at the bar. “Two more ales, please!”

 

Fíli walked him home as he always did. It wasn’t strictly necessary since the settlement was rather secure, it was just a habit quite a few dwarves had developed in the years of exile. Bofur definitely wasn’t going to complain. 

Silence stretched comfortably between them and they walked close enough to each other that nobody would have even been able to wedge a piece of slate between them. 

Bofur hoped he would finally get a kiss or at least a hug when they said goodnight, but Fíli gave him his slightly formal little bow as usual, which Bofur returned with a smile. The bow was slightly silly given how close they usually were, but Bofur found it endearing, if increasingly frustrating.  
He had decided a long time ago that he would stick to the rules with Fíli, do things properly, even though he usually didn’t care too much for rules and etiquette. But he felt it was the right thing with Fíli, so he waited patiently, for the traditions said the dwarf of higher position should take the first step. 

So Bofur watched as Fíli walked into the night, waving whenever Fíli turned around yet again.

 

Bofur had drunk hardly anything at the celebration of the shortest night of the year, but he still felt slightly dizzy. It felt intoxicating to spend this much time with Fíli, to listen to him talk all night, to hear him laugh at Bofur’s jokes, to dance beside him. The night wasn’t as warm as it usually was and Bofur could feel the warmth of Fíli’s leg beside him. Fíli hummed along to the melody the musicians were playing, leaning slightly against Bofur. 

Bofur hummed along too, but the thoughts in his head were louder than the music, buzzing through his head like a swarm of bees trying to decide whether to stick with the previous hive or to build a new one.

Before his thoughts could settle on anything, Fíli turned to face Bofur. The smile he reserved for Bofur was on his face, his breath warm on Bofur’s skin. The buzzing of bees loud in his ears, Bofur reached out a hand and cupped Fíli’s face in it.

Fíli froze.

They stared at each other for a moment, Bofur’s thoughts having gone silent.

“Please don’t. I can’t,” Fíli whispered, but Bofur’s hand had already recoiled. Bofur couldn’t meet Fíli’s eyes, so he looked down at the offending hand instead, balled into a tight fist in his lap.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Except that I like you, like you very much in fact, and I somehow got the impression you felt the same way, but were somehow to shy for some reason. So I gave up on my intention to let you take the first step like tradition requires because I thought you felt the same way. I was wrong, obviously, and I’m very, very sorry. I…”

“Bofur. Stop, please. This is my fault, not yours. I do like you, but I can’t.” Fíli’s voice sounded tired.

Bofur stared at him, but Fíli wasn’t meeting his eyes either.

“What do you mean, you can’t? ‘Don’t want to’ I can understand, but ‘can’t’?”

“Do you remember that orc attack on the trade caravan some years back?”

Bofur nodded, confused.

“I was in that caravan, together with Torvi.” Fíli’s voice cracked on the name. “Torvi and I, we were a couple, nothing official yet, but we intended to be soon. I was going along on that caravan to spend time with Torvi, though I was officially there to protect the caravan, not that any of us expected any problems. The orcs came at night, in far greater numbers than we thought were present in the area.”

Bofur remembered. It had been a few years before he got to know Fíli. There had been a fair number of casualties, and there had been talk of one of the princes being involved. Bofur had never thought about it much in the years since, not after the remaining orcs had been hunted down soon after.

“Torvi got an orc spear into his stomach. He lived through the immediate attack, but the wound would have been fatal even if the spear had not been poisoned. I held his hand in those final hours, trying to tell him it would all be alright. He just wanted me to promise I wouldn’t forget him. It was the only thing I could do for him. Not forget him.”

Fíli was not crying, but his voice was flat and his hands clenched in his lap. Bofur wanted to pull him into a hug and would have done so in any other situation, but he knew he couldn’t.

“So I can’t,” Fíli repeated. “I’m sorry I let you believe otherwise, but I can’t.” 

Bofur tried to think of something to say, but for once, he was at a loss for words.

Fíli took a shaky breath. “Maybe we should just not see each other for a while. I think that might be for the best. I’m sorry.”

Bofur nodded dumbly. “Of course, if that is what you need. I’m sorry, Fíli, for your loss and for all of this.”

The musicians started a new, lively tune as Fíli got up and stumbled away. Bofur remained on the bench, deaf to the music and laughter around him. 

 

Bofur was fine. He drank a few ales too many and he shocked himself by planting his fist in Yari’s face the next time he pushed too far, but he was fine. He mined as though the stone had insulted him personally and spent the time he usually would have spent being out and about playing with his nieces and nephews. If he laughed a little less than usual or sometimes had to look away from Bombur’s and Vida’s happiness, well, that was just the way it was. 

It was Fíli who worried him. When he passed Fíli in the streets a few days after the celebration, there were dark shadows under Fíli’s eyes and there was none of the usual spring to Fíli’s walk. Fíli didn’t see Bofur and Bofur decided to leave it at that. He had by now come up with plenty of replies to what Fíli had said, but it wouldn’t feel right to say them. 

Whenever Bofur walked past Fíli after that, the shadows were still beneath his eyes and he noticed that Fíli had become even thinner than usual. Sometimes, Fíli didn’t see him or avoided his gaze, it was hard to tell. Other times, Fíli smiled a sad little smile at him when walking past, a smile that was more a grimace than the sunrise it had once been. 

 

Two or three weeks after the longest day of the year, Kíli rounded on Bofur. 

“I don’t know what you did with my brother, but I don’t like it. I was expecting you two to announce your engagement at any time, or at least expecting to walk in on you two in a compromising situation. Instead, this happens. I expect you to fix it.”

“I’m sorry,” Bofur said, at the same time embarrassed that even Kíli had figured it out and guiltier than ever that he had hurt Fíli. “I don’t think this is something I’ll be able to fix, as much as I would like to.”

“What happened? Did you cheat on him?”

“No! We weren’t even a couple!”

Kíli looked taken aback. “Why not? I thought you had been for months at the very least. Did you reject him?”

“No, quite the opposite, in fact,” Bofur said.

“Well, I’m pretty sure Fíli wouldn’t reject you. He’s mad about you,” Kíli said, puzzled.

Bofur looked away.

“He did? Why would he do that?!”

“Torvi.” Bofur immediately regretted saying it, after all, this was not really any of Kíli’s business.

“Oh no. That idiot! Somebody must have replaced his brain with goat dung at some point. I’m so sorry, Bofur.”

“Fíli is not an idiot,” Bofur said sadly. “Just loyal. Very loyal.”

“Loyal to the point of being an idiot,” Kíli insisted. “He’s making both of you miserable and it’s not even as though poor Torvi has any benefit from it, lying in his grave. If I were you, I’d try to reason with Fíli.”

“It’s his choice,” Bofur said quietly.

“It’s a choice someone with a head full of goat dung would make. I’m sorry my brother is being such an idiot, Bofur.”

 

Bofur wished Kíli hadn’t spoken to him. He had been getting to the point where he was close to accepting Fíli’s decision, but Kíli confirming what Bofur had already suspected, that Fíli was miserable, tore open all the old questions again. For several days, Bofur pondered. Finally, Bombur slammed his fist onto the table where he was cutting carrots while Bofur paced.

“For Mahal’s sake, just talk to him. You are driving all of us mad, and what’s the worst that can happen if you do talk to him?”

Bofur wasn’t even surprised, Bombur always knew more than he expected him to.

So by that evening, Bofur had finally made up his mind.

 

Fíli looked mildly surprised when he opened the door.

“Bofur. How are you?” He asked uncertainly.

“Driving everyone up the walls, apparently,” Bofur replied, laughing too loudly. “What about you?”

That sad smile that was more of a grimace than a smile. “I’m fine.”

Bofur stared at him and Fíli stared back. There was little sense in pointing out that that wasn’t quite the truth, it was rather clear that neither of them was really fine.

“Look, if you want me to leave again, that’s fine, just say so. But if I understood you correctly, you promised Torvi you wouldn’t forget him, not that you would never be happy again.” So much for subtlety.

“Kíli said something remarkably similar,” Fíli said wryly. 

“He cornered me the other day and tried to threaten me for hurting you. I’m sorry I let it slip that that is the reason we… um, are being a bit distant. You know thinking before I speak is not really my strong point.”

There was a hint of a grin on Fíli’s face at that. “Don’t worry about that. I’m sorry about Kíli confronting you. I hope he didn’t hurt you?”

“No, don’t worry.” Bofur had not come here to talk about Kíli, he remembered. “What I was saying was that even though I didn’t know Torvi, I can’t imagine he was someone who would want you to be continually unhappy instead of living a good life. You can do that and still remember him. I remember my father and although I’m still sad about how he died, I still don’t let that keep me from living.” That was quite possibly the most unfitting example Bofur could have come up with, he realised. “Look, I won’t try anything like the other night again. I just want things to go back to the way they were before. Maybe not entirely, but enough for us not to be completely miserable. Maybe just going to the tavern and drinking some ale?”

Bofur had been expecting a no of some sort. He had been hoping for a yes. What he wasn’t expecting was for Fíli to stumble forward and burry his face in Bofur’s shoulder, his hands clinging awkwardly to Bofur. Bofur wrapped his arms around Fíli cautiously, a bit as though he were stepping on ground that had not yet entirely been declared safe to mine on yet. This was decidedly not going back to where they were before. 

“Fíli…”

“Don’t.”

Fíli was crying. 

“Shh, it will be alright. It will be fine,” Bofur whispered and gently rubbed Fíli’s back. He wasn’t sure what ‘it’ was, or if it would really be alright, but he knew he would do his very best to make sure it would be.

They stood like that for a long moment before Fíli pulled back slightly. Bofur raised his hands to gently touch Fíli’s face but he remembered that that had been a bad idea last time. So he froze and looked at Fíli. Fíli looked at him. 

And then Fíli cupped his face and kissed him. It was a sloppy, desperate kiss, the kind that happens without forethought and is slow to end from fear of the questions that would follow. It was all Bofur had ever dreamed of and more. 

“Could we go out to drink that ale some other time?” was the question Fíli settled for asking, slightly out of breath, when the kiss did end. “I’m rather tired, so perhaps we could just sit and talk?”

Bofur decided not to mention that he hadn’t meant to go to the tavern on this particular evening, just some time in the near future. 

“Of course.”

As it turned out, they didn’t do much talking either. Bofur wrapped an arm around Fíli tightly and Fíli cuddled up to him. It didn’t take long before Fíli fell asleep on Bofur’s shoulder. 

It wasn’t exactly romantic. Fíli drooled a little and Bofur was not entirely sure where they stood, how many of Fíli’s actions he should chalk up to exhaustion. Still, Bofur wouldn’t have wanted to miss having Fíli sleep on his shoulder for anything in the world. They could sort out all the complicated things tomorrow.


End file.
